The Gilded Toilet | Satire based on documented events and reporting

By J. H. Irwin
Author | Storyteller | Satirist

Welcome aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, where approximately 5,000 sailors and Marines have enjoyed an extended all-inclusive cruise featuring breathtaking ocean views, occasional shortages of fresh food and basic supplies, plumbing adventures, disrupted mail service, combat operations, and the exciting possibility that nobody will tell you when you are coming home.

The Lincoln left San Diego last November. It was supposed to be a Pacific deployment. Then war intervened, the carrier was redirected to the Middle East, and by August its crew had spent more than 260 days at sea. According to U.S. Central Command, the strike group has conducted roughly 10,000 aircraft flights and expended 1.5 million pounds of ordnance. Sailors supported 40 days of continuous combat operations.

That is an extraordinary military accomplishment.

It is also an extraordinary thing to ask human beings to endure.

Fortunately, Washington has developed an innovative response to concerns about exhaustion, deteriorating morale and mental health.

Everything is fine.

The Freshies Have Abandoned Ship

One of the more strangely human details of this story involves something sailors call the “freshies.”

Fresh fruit. Fresh vegetables. Those extravagant delicacies commonly available at such exotic locations as Publix.

Because the war disrupted the Navy’s normal regional supply system, the Lincoln experienced periods when fresh produce disappeared. Sailors and families also reported food and water shortages, hygiene supply problems, laundry disruptions and mail delays. A brief Oman resupply stop in July finally brought fresh fruits and vegetables aboard after sailors said they had gone months without them. The Navy says many of those logistical problems have since been resolved.

Mission-critical supplies had to be prioritized.

Food first.

Hygiene supplies second.

Mail later.

Which makes sense.

Bombs before birthday cards.

Aircraft parts before Aunt Linda’s cookies.

Apparently the United States can move a multimillion-dollar missile halfway around the world with breathtaking precision, but getting a sailor an orange remains one of the more challenging aspects of modern warfare.

And yet the crew continued working.

Ten thousand flights.

Forty days of continuous combat.

One and a half million pounds of ordnance.

We know exactly how much weaponry left the ship.

What remains considerably harder to measure is what the deployment has taken out of the people launching it.

The Part That Isn’t Funny

Families and sailors have described exhaustion and declining morale. Stars and Stripes reported accounts of suicidal thoughts, including an incident in which sailors said a crew member was stopped from jumping overboard. The Navy confirmed that another sailor went overboard in early August, was quickly recovered and later transferred for additional care, although officials did not characterize the incident as a suicide attempt.

One parent described watching their sailor slowly lose hope.

That is where the satire stops being particularly funny.

The Navy disputes the suggestion that the Lincoln is experiencing a widespread mental health crisis. Officials say they have not observed an increase in suicidal ideation or attempts and point to the mental health professionals, medical personnel and chaplains available aboard the carrier. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said reports about conditions were “completely misrepresented” and insisted that ships are given everything the military can provide.

Those facts deserve to be included.

So does another one.

A ship can remain combat effective while the people aboard it are exhausted.

The crew can perform magnificently while individual sailors struggle.

Both statements can be true at the same time.

Nuance has not yet been banned by executive order.

Then Came Four Words

On August 14, Donald Trump was standing at Joint Base Andrews when a reporter raised the concerns of military families and asked whether the Lincoln’s deployment had gone on too long.

Trump first rejected the premise that families were concerned.

“No, they’re not.”

Then came the question about whether the deployment had lasted too long and whether he was worried about mental health concerns.

Trump responded:

“No, no, no. Not nearly long enough.”

Then he left to board Air Force One.

There are moments when satire requires imagination.

This is not one of them.

For sailors aboard the Abraham Lincoln, more than eight months away from home meant missed birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family emergencies, long workdays, combat operations and endless stretches of ocean.

For the Commander in Chief standing beside his private presidential aircraft, it became four words.

Not nearly long enough.

There may be no better illustration of the distance between the flight deck and the podium.

One group gets on an aircraft carrier and wonders when it will see home again.

The other gets on Air Force One and is home for dinner.

And How Much Will That Be?

While the sailors were counting days, Washington was counting dollars.

The first six days of the Iran war cost an estimated $11.3 billion, according to figures provided by the Defense Department to Congress. The Center for Strategic and International Studies estimated the bill had reached roughly $16.5 billion by Day 12 and warned that the heavy use of munitions could create risks elsewhere, particularly in the western Pacific and Ukraine.

By May, the Pentagon was publicly citing $29 billion.

Harvard budget expert Linda Bilmes argues that figure dramatically understates the eventual expense because the government often values missiles at what they originally cost rather than what replacing them will cost now. She estimated upfront spending could reach roughly $200 billion. The Pentagon later sought another $80 billion connected to the conflict.

But don’t worry.

America has another highly sophisticated war-financing mechanism.

Your wallet.

Higher energy costs have rippled through gasoline prices, transportation and other household expenses. One economist estimated the typical American household could ultimately pay about $1,000 because of the conflict.

Consider it your patriotic participation fee.

Souvenir T-shirt not included.

Because Apparently One Strait Wasn’t Enough

The war began February 28 with massive U.S. and Israeli attacks on Iran that killed Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei and other senior officials. Iran responded in part by effectively shutting down normal traffic through the Strait of Hormuz, one of the most important energy corridors on Earth. Before the war, roughly one-fifth of global oil and LNG shipments moved through it.

By August, shipping had collapsed from more than 130 daily transits before the conflict to single digits on some days.

Then the Houthis declared a blockade affecting Bab el-Mandeb, another crucial shipping route, and attacked Saudi-linked vessels.

Because when you have one global energy chokepoint crisis, the obvious solution is apparently to collect the whole set.

Oil surged. Gasoline followed. Shipping became more dangerous and expensive. Iranian and American officials continued exchanging demands while global markets attempted to determine which strategically vital waterway might become unusable next.

Geopolitical Whac-A-Mole, now available in the Persian Gulf edition.

Good News, Someone Found Another Aircraft Carrier

There is finally some good news for the crew of the Abraham Lincoln.

The USS George Washington has now arrived in the Middle East to relieve it. The Lincoln can begin the long journey back toward San Diego and the families who have been waiting for most of a year.

There is, naturally, a small catch.

The George Washington was America’s forward-deployed carrier in Asia.

So while solving one overstretched-carrier problem, the United States has temporarily reduced its carrier presence in the Pacific.

Military strategists undoubtedly have a sophisticated term for this.

Here at The Gilded Toilet, we call it moving the lawn furniture around while the house is on fire.

Eventually the Lincoln will return home. Sailors will walk down the gangway. Families will hug people they have spent months worrying about. There will be speeches about courage, endurance, patriotism and sacrifice.

Those sailors will deserve every word.

But there is another phrase worth remembering.

Not nearly long enough.

Not because it was true.

Because four words spoken beside Air Force One revealed something 1.5 million pounds of ordnance cannot measure: the enormous distance that can exist between those who decide how long a war continues and those who are asked to live inside it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely why we have The Gilded Toilet.

Sometimes the gold is merely tacky.

Sometimes what it reflects is far more serious.

Where the absurdity of this moment gets the satire it deserves, and all the gold in the world still can’t buy good taste.

Read The Gilded Toilet at Still Human → https://substack.com/@jhirwin

The Gilded Toilet | Satire based on documented events and reporting

By J. H. Irwin
Author | Storyteller | Satirist

A satirical stage script inspired by documented public events and published reporting. All dialogue attributed to Donald and Melania is fictional. The events described in the stage directions are factual unless otherwise noted.

CAST

MELANIA TRUMP
First Lady. Former model. Master practitioner of the expression that says absolutely nothing while somehow generating 40,000 social media posts.

DONALD TRUMP
President of the United States. Husband. Persistent hand-holder.

THE HAND
Donald’s right hand. A recurring character.

THE INTERNET
Millions of people who have never met either member of the marriage but remain confident they understand it completely.

NARRATOR
The unfortunate person responsible for separating documented fact from everybody’s imagination.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE: INAUGURATION DAY

Washington, D.C. January 20, 2017.

DONALD has just become president.

MELANIA stands behind him.

DONALD turns toward MELANIA.

MELANIA smiles.

DONALD turns away.

MELANIA’S smile vanishes.

DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
This actually happened on camera. Do not exaggerate it. The original performance requires no assistance.

THE INTERNET:
Oh my God.

NARRATOR:
Please don’t.

THE INTERNET:
She hates him.

NARRATOR:
We have approximately four seconds of video.

THE INTERNET:
#FreeMelania.

NARRATOR:
And we’re off.

DONALD:
Everything okay?

MELANIA:
Perfect.

DONALD:
You stopped smiling.

MELANIA:
You stopped looking.

BLACKOUT.

SCENE TWO: THE HAND

Tel Aviv. May 2017.

DONALD and MELANIA walk before hundreds of cameras.

DONALD reaches backward.

THE HAND enters.

THE HAND:
Perhaps today.

MELANIA appears to swat it away.

THE HAND:
Apparently not.

THE INTERNET:
SHE HATES HIM!

NARRATOR:
Again, we know what happened. We do not know why.

THE INTERNET:
We know.

NARRATOR:
No, you don’t.

LIGHTS CHANGE.

Rome. One day later.

DONALD reaches again.

MELANIA moves her hand.

She fixes her hair.

DONALD:
Melania. Hand.

MELANIA:
Hair.

DONALD:
Hand.

MELANIA:
Hair.

DONALD:
We are married.

MELANIA:
And yet you remain surprisingly capable of walking independently.

DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
Kate Bennett later reported another possible explanation for the Tel Aviv incident. Melania may have been irritated because Donald was walking ahead of her rather than beside her.

MELANIA:
If I am wearing couture, you will not block the photograph.

DIRECTOR:
Better.

BLACKOUT.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE: MOVING DAY

The White House. January 2017.

DONALD enters carrying the presidency.

DONALD:
Melania! We’re moving to Washington!

Silence.

DONALD:
Melania?

Spotlight illuminates MELANIA several hundred miles away in Manhattan.

MELANIA:
No.

DONALD:
But I’m president.

MELANIA:
Yes.

DONALD:
And this is the White House.

MELANIA:
Also yes.

DONALD:
You’re the First Lady.

MELANIA:
Your powers of observation are extraordinary.

NARRATOR:
Melania actually remained in New York for several months while Barron completed his school year. She moved into the White House in June.

DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
Completely reasonable explanation.

DONALD:
So June?

MELANIA:
Perhaps.

DONALD:
Perhaps?

MELANIA opens a folder.

MELANIA:
There are some documents we should discuss.

Enter ATTORNEY.

DONALD:
What’s that?

MELANIA:
Act Two.

SCENE TWO: THE PRENUP

MELANIA and DONALD sit across from one another.

A very large contract rests between them.

NARRATOR:
Journalist Mary Jordan reported that Melania renegotiated her prenuptial agreement after Donald won the presidency.

DONALD:
When are you moving into the White House?

MELANIA:
When we’re finished.

DONALD:
Finished with what?

MELANIA slides the contract toward him.

MELANIA:
Democracy.

DONALD:
What?

MELANIA:
Nothing. Sign here.

DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
Important character development.

Until this moment, the audience has been encouraged to think MELANIA is the trapped wife.

This scene should introduce another possibility.

She may simply understand leverage.

DONALD:
You’re negotiating with me?

MELANIA:
You wrote books about this.

DONALD:
I did.

MELANIA:
I read one.

DONALD:
Really?

MELANIA:
Parts.

DONALD signs.

MELANIA:
Wonderful.

DONALD:
So you’re coming to Washington?

MELANIA:
My attorney will circle back.

BLACKOUT.

ACT THREE

THE COSTUME NUMBER

June 2018.

A green jacket descends slowly from the ceiling.

The orchestra stops.

Everyone looks at it.

Written across the back:

I REALLY DON’T CARE. DO U?

DIRECTOR:
Too much?

COSTUME DESIGNER:
It actually happened.

DIRECTOR:
Good point.

NARRATOR:
Melania wore the jacket while traveling to Texas to visit migrant children.

Her office initially said there was no hidden message. Melania later said the message was directed at the media.

There is no evidence it was directed at Donald.

DIRECTOR:
Still keeping it.

COSTUME DESIGNER:
Obviously.

MELANIA:
Does it make me look indifferent?

Entire cast slowly turns toward her.

MELANIA:
Good.

ACT FOUR

SCENE ONE: THE KISS

Madison Square Garden. October 2024.

MELANIA introduces DONALD.

They approach one another.

DONALD:
Kiss?

MELANIA:
Air.

AIR KISS.

AIR KISS.

AIR KISS.

THE INTERNET:
WHAT WAS THAT?

NARRATOR:
Three air kisses.

THE INTERNET:
Their marriage is over.

NARRATOR:
They’ve been married almost twenty years.

THE INTERNET:
Did you SEE the second kiss?

NARRATOR:
Unfortunately, yes.

SCENE TWO: THE FINGER

Kennedy Center. June 2025.

DONALD reaches toward MELANIA.

THE HAND returns.

THE HAND:
I’ve been rehearsing.

DONALD appears to hold one of MELANIA’S fingers.

MELANIA stares straight ahead.

DONALD:
Progress.

MELANIA:
One finger.

DONALD:
Can I have another?

MELANIA:
Don’t rush me.

THE INTERNET:
BODY LANGUAGE!

NARRATOR:
Oh, for God’s sake.

SCENE THREE: THE KING

State dinner. April 2026.

King Charles III and Queen Camilla are present.

DONALD and MELANIA hold hands.

MELANIA releases hers.

Moments later their fingers reconnect.

THE INTERNET:
FREE MELANIA!

NARRATOR:
Please remember that we are attending a state dinner with the King of England.

THE INTERNET:
ENHANCE THE VIDEO.

NARRATOR:
Of course.

ACT FIVE

SCENE ONE: EVERYONE BECOMES A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

A giant screen appears.

Clips of MELANIA and DONALD play in slow motion.

BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #1:
Observe the shoulder.

BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #2:
Notice the chin.

BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #3:
The distance between their index fingers is highly significant.

NARRATOR:
Is it?

BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #3:
No idea.

THE INTERNET:
We knew it.

NARRATOR:
Here’s what we actually know.

A hand was moved.

A smile disappeared.

A kiss missed its destination.

A finger was held.

Everything beyond that requires interpretation.

THE INTERNET:
Boring.

NARRATOR:
Accuracy often is.

ACT SIX

THE PLOT TWIST

Lights change.

MELANIA walks downstage.

The comedy becomes slightly more interesting.

NARRATOR:
Stephanie Winston Wolkoff secretly recorded conversations with Melania and later published them.

There was anger.

There was profanity.

There was the now-famous complaint about Christmas decorations.

But there was no secret recording of Melania saying she despised Donald.

THE INTERNET:
Wait.

NARRATOR:
There’s more.

Mary Jordan’s reporting portrayed Melania not as a powerless bystander, but as an influential member of Donald Trump’s inner circle.

She reportedly evaluated potential vice-presidential candidates.

She recommended Mike Pence.

Donald listened.

Silence.

THE INTERNET:
But...

NARRATOR:
Yes?

THE INTERNET:
#FreeMelania?

MELANIA laughs.

Not loudly.

Just enough.

FINAL SCENE

The Oval Office.

DONALD stands beneath an enormous presidential seal.

MELANIA enters wearing an absurdly enormous black Mary Todd Lincoln gown.

DONALD:
Melania.

MELANIA:
Donald.

DONALD:
America thinks you hate me.

MELANIA:
America thinks many things.

DONALD:
They think you’re trapped.

MELANIA looks toward the audience.

MELANIA:
Trapped?

She picks up the prenup.

MELANIA:
I renegotiated.

She points toward the vice president.

MELANIA:
I advised.

She gestures toward Manhattan.

MELANIA:
I moved when I was ready.

DONALD reaches for her hand.

MELANIA looks at it.

Pause.

DONALD:
Well?

MELANIA:
One finger.

She gives him one.

DONALD:
I’ll take it.

DONALD turns toward the audience.

MELANIA smiles.

DONALD turns back.

The smile disappears.

DONALD:
You did it again.

MELANIA:
Did what?

She walks downstage.

THE INTERNET:
Do you need to be rescued?

MELANIA stares at them.

Long pause.

MELANIA:
You thought I was the hostage?

Another pause.

MELANIA:
Cute.

BLACKOUT.

OH, MELANIA!

She came.

She observed.

She side-eyed.

And apparently, she negotiated.

END OF PLAY

Where the absurdity of this moment gets the satire it deserves, and all the gold in the world still can’t buy good taste.

Read The Gilded Toilet at Still Human → https://substack.com/@jhirwin

The Gilded Toilet | Satire based on documented events and reporting

By J. H. Irwin
Author | Storyteller | Satirist

The name is inspired by Donald Trump’s famously gilded aesthetic, a world where apparently no surface is safe from gold. Walls, fireplace mantels, furniture, fixtures, and yes, even toilets can become monuments to excess. If Marie Antoinette became history’s symbol of royal detachment with “Let them eat cake,” then our own era sometimes feels better suited to: “Let them sit on gold”.

This new section of Still Human will take a satirical look at the Trump administration, its personalities, policies, pronouncements, contradictions, and those remarkable moments when reality does most of the comedy writing for us. The stories will be funny, irreverent, occasionally ridiculous, and always rooted in the serious consequences behind the spectacle.

Because satire works best when there is truth underneath it.

We will laugh at the gilding, the grandeur, the egos, the declarations, and the political theater. But we will also remember the people affected when decisions made in rooms covered in gold reach kitchens, workplaces, military ships, schools, hospitals, and homes far removed from the chandelier.

Think of The Gilded Toilet as a place where we occasionally flush away the pomp and examine what is actually underneath.

There is, after all, only so much gold you can apply before someone has to ask what you are trying to cover up.

Where the absurdity of this moment gets the satire it deserves, and all the gold in the world still can’t buy good taste.

Read The Gilded Toilet at Still Human → https://substack.com/@jhirwin