Political Satire based on documented events
By J. H. Irwin
Author | Storyteller | Satirist
Donald Trump has escalated his trade war with Canada by doing what every sober statesman does when negotiations get difficult: renaming a lake. On Thursday, he signed an executive order declaring that, for U.S. federal use, Lake Ontario would become “Lake America,” then announced the change as effective immediately. The order itself, apparently less impulsive than its author, gives the interior secretary 30 days to coordinate with the Board on Geographic Names and update federal references. Nothing says decisive leadership quite like shouting “effective immediately” at a body of water while giving the paperwork a month to catch up.
There is, however, one delicious geographic complication. The Welland Canal, the 43.5-kilometer, eight-lock passage that allows ships to bypass Niagara Falls between Lake Erie and the newly christened “Lake America,” lies entirely within Ontario. Canadians on social media have been pointing this out with understandable amusement, although the Carney government has not threatened to close the canal or turn it into a weapon. Still, there is something magnificently Trumpian about insulting Canada, insisting it wants the benefits of being an American state without actually being one, and then discovering that ships moving between the upper Great Lakes and his newly Americanized lake depend upon Canadian infrastructure.
Canadian friends call it “Hormuz 2.0,” a beautifully dark joke that works precisely because it is not an actual policy proposal. The Boundary Waters Treaty of 1909 guarantees both countries equal, free navigation through the boundary waters and the canals connecting them, so Canada could not lawfully close the Welland Canal as trade retaliation without violating the treaty and harming its own shipping and Seaway revenue. The punch line is not that Ottawa should padlock the canal. It is that Trump picked a needless fight with a trusted ally while relying upon that ally’s continued cooperation to keep shared trade moving.
Trump says Canada wants the benefits of being treated like a state without being one. Yet he wants to treat a sovereign country like a disobedient province, treat a shared lake like American property, and still receive every benefit of a trusted neighbor. Those of us who love our Canadian friends can only watch this spectacle with sorrow, embarrassment, and an increasingly necessary sense of humor, hoping the relationship can one day be rebuilt on mutual respect. Until then, Trump can order “Lake America” onto every federal map he controls, but he still cannot executive-order Ontario out of the route.
Where the absurdity of this moment gets the satire it deserves, and all the gold in the world still can’t buy good taste.
Read The Gilded Toilet at Still Human → https://substack.com/@jhirwin