The Gilded Toilet | Satire based on documented events and reporting
By J. H. Irwin
Author | Storyteller | Satirist
A satirical stage script inspired by documented public events and published reporting. All dialogue attributed to Donald and Melania is fictional. The events described in the stage directions are factual unless otherwise noted.
CAST
MELANIA TRUMP
First Lady. Former model. Master practitioner of the expression that says absolutely nothing while somehow generating 40,000 social media posts.
DONALD TRUMP
President of the United States. Husband. Persistent hand-holder.
THE HAND
Donald’s right hand. A recurring character.
THE INTERNET
Millions of people who have never met either member of the marriage but remain confident they understand it completely.
NARRATOR
The unfortunate person responsible for separating documented fact from everybody’s imagination.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE: INAUGURATION DAY
Washington, D.C. January 20, 2017.
DONALD has just become president.
MELANIA stands behind him.
DONALD turns toward MELANIA.
MELANIA smiles.
DONALD turns away.
MELANIA’S smile vanishes.
DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
This actually happened on camera. Do not exaggerate it. The original performance requires no assistance.
THE INTERNET:
Oh my God.
NARRATOR:
Please don’t.
THE INTERNET:
She hates him.
NARRATOR:
We have approximately four seconds of video.
THE INTERNET:
#FreeMelania.
NARRATOR:
And we’re off.
DONALD:
Everything okay?
MELANIA:
Perfect.
DONALD:
You stopped smiling.
MELANIA:
You stopped looking.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE TWO: THE HAND
Tel Aviv. May 2017.
DONALD and MELANIA walk before hundreds of cameras.
DONALD reaches backward.
THE HAND enters.
THE HAND:
Perhaps today.
MELANIA appears to swat it away.
THE HAND:
Apparently not.
THE INTERNET:
SHE HATES HIM!
NARRATOR:
Again, we know what happened. We do not know why.
THE INTERNET:
We know.
NARRATOR:
No, you don’t.
LIGHTS CHANGE.
Rome. One day later.
DONALD reaches again.
MELANIA moves her hand.
She fixes her hair.
DONALD:
Melania. Hand.
MELANIA:
Hair.
DONALD:
Hand.
MELANIA:
Hair.
DONALD:
We are married.
MELANIA:
And yet you remain surprisingly capable of walking independently.
DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
Kate Bennett later reported another possible explanation for the Tel Aviv incident. Melania may have been irritated because Donald was walking ahead of her rather than beside her.
MELANIA:
If I am wearing couture, you will not block the photograph.
DIRECTOR:
Better.
BLACKOUT.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE: MOVING DAY
The White House. January 2017.
DONALD enters carrying the presidency.
DONALD:
Melania! We’re moving to Washington!
Silence.
DONALD:
Melania?
Spotlight illuminates MELANIA several hundred miles away in Manhattan.
MELANIA:
No.
DONALD:
But I’m president.
MELANIA:
Yes.
DONALD:
And this is the White House.
MELANIA:
Also yes.
DONALD:
You’re the First Lady.
MELANIA:
Your powers of observation are extraordinary.
NARRATOR:
Melania actually remained in New York for several months while Barron completed his school year. She moved into the White House in June.
DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
Completely reasonable explanation.
DONALD:
So June?
MELANIA:
Perhaps.
DONALD:
Perhaps?
MELANIA opens a folder.
MELANIA:
There are some documents we should discuss.
Enter ATTORNEY.
DONALD:
What’s that?
MELANIA:
Act Two.
SCENE TWO: THE PRENUP
MELANIA and DONALD sit across from one another.
A very large contract rests between them.
NARRATOR:
Journalist Mary Jordan reported that Melania renegotiated her prenuptial agreement after Donald won the presidency.
DONALD:
When are you moving into the White House?
MELANIA:
When we’re finished.
DONALD:
Finished with what?
MELANIA slides the contract toward him.
MELANIA:
Democracy.
DONALD:
What?
MELANIA:
Nothing. Sign here.
DIRECTOR’S NOTE:
Important character development.
Until this moment, the audience has been encouraged to think MELANIA is the trapped wife.
This scene should introduce another possibility.
She may simply understand leverage.
DONALD:
You’re negotiating with me?
MELANIA:
You wrote books about this.
DONALD:
I did.
MELANIA:
I read one.
DONALD:
Really?
MELANIA:
Parts.
DONALD signs.
MELANIA:
Wonderful.
DONALD:
So you’re coming to Washington?
MELANIA:
My attorney will circle back.
BLACKOUT.
ACT THREE
THE COSTUME NUMBER
June 2018.
A green jacket descends slowly from the ceiling.
The orchestra stops.
Everyone looks at it.
Written across the back:
I REALLY DON’T CARE. DO U?
DIRECTOR:
Too much?
COSTUME DESIGNER:
It actually happened.
DIRECTOR:
Good point.
NARRATOR:
Melania wore the jacket while traveling to Texas to visit migrant children.
Her office initially said there was no hidden message. Melania later said the message was directed at the media.
There is no evidence it was directed at Donald.
DIRECTOR:
Still keeping it.
COSTUME DESIGNER:
Obviously.
MELANIA:
Does it make me look indifferent?
Entire cast slowly turns toward her.
MELANIA:
Good.
ACT FOUR
SCENE ONE: THE KISS
Madison Square Garden. October 2024.
MELANIA introduces DONALD.
They approach one another.
DONALD:
Kiss?
MELANIA:
Air.
AIR KISS.
AIR KISS.
AIR KISS.
THE INTERNET:
WHAT WAS THAT?
NARRATOR:
Three air kisses.
THE INTERNET:
Their marriage is over.
NARRATOR:
They’ve been married almost twenty years.
THE INTERNET:
Did you SEE the second kiss?
NARRATOR:
Unfortunately, yes.
SCENE TWO: THE FINGER
Kennedy Center. June 2025.
DONALD reaches toward MELANIA.
THE HAND returns.
THE HAND:
I’ve been rehearsing.
DONALD appears to hold one of MELANIA’S fingers.
MELANIA stares straight ahead.
DONALD:
Progress.
MELANIA:
One finger.
DONALD:
Can I have another?
MELANIA:
Don’t rush me.
THE INTERNET:
BODY LANGUAGE!
NARRATOR:
Oh, for God’s sake.
SCENE THREE: THE KING
State dinner. April 2026.
King Charles III and Queen Camilla are present.
DONALD and MELANIA hold hands.
MELANIA releases hers.
Moments later their fingers reconnect.
THE INTERNET:
FREE MELANIA!
NARRATOR:
Please remember that we are attending a state dinner with the King of England.
THE INTERNET:
ENHANCE THE VIDEO.
NARRATOR:
Of course.
ACT FIVE
SCENE ONE: EVERYONE BECOMES A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
A giant screen appears.
Clips of MELANIA and DONALD play in slow motion.
BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #1:
Observe the shoulder.
BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #2:
Notice the chin.
BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #3:
The distance between their index fingers is highly significant.
NARRATOR:
Is it?
BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT #3:
No idea.
THE INTERNET:
We knew it.
NARRATOR:
Here’s what we actually know.
A hand was moved.
A smile disappeared.
A kiss missed its destination.
A finger was held.
Everything beyond that requires interpretation.
THE INTERNET:
Boring.
NARRATOR:
Accuracy often is.
ACT SIX
THE PLOT TWIST
Lights change.
MELANIA walks downstage.
The comedy becomes slightly more interesting.
NARRATOR:
Stephanie Winston Wolkoff secretly recorded conversations with Melania and later published them.
There was anger.
There was profanity.
There was the now-famous complaint about Christmas decorations.
But there was no secret recording of Melania saying she despised Donald.
THE INTERNET:
Wait.
NARRATOR:
There’s more.
Mary Jordan’s reporting portrayed Melania not as a powerless bystander, but as an influential member of Donald Trump’s inner circle.
She reportedly evaluated potential vice-presidential candidates.
She recommended Mike Pence.
Donald listened.
Silence.
THE INTERNET:
But...
NARRATOR:
Yes?
THE INTERNET:
#FreeMelania?
MELANIA laughs.
Not loudly.
Just enough.
FINAL SCENE
The Oval Office.
DONALD stands beneath an enormous presidential seal.
MELANIA enters wearing an absurdly enormous black Mary Todd Lincoln gown.
DONALD:
Melania.
MELANIA:
Donald.
DONALD:
America thinks you hate me.
MELANIA:
America thinks many things.
DONALD:
They think you’re trapped.
MELANIA looks toward the audience.
MELANIA:
Trapped?
She picks up the prenup.
MELANIA:
I renegotiated.
She points toward the vice president.
MELANIA:
I advised.
She gestures toward Manhattan.
MELANIA:
I moved when I was ready.
DONALD reaches for her hand.
MELANIA looks at it.
Pause.
DONALD:
Well?
MELANIA:
One finger.
She gives him one.
DONALD:
I’ll take it.
DONALD turns toward the audience.
MELANIA smiles.
DONALD turns back.
The smile disappears.
DONALD:
You did it again.
MELANIA:
Did what?
She walks downstage.
THE INTERNET:
Do you need to be rescued?
MELANIA stares at them.
Long pause.
MELANIA:
You thought I was the hostage?
Another pause.
MELANIA:
Cute.
BLACKOUT.
OH, MELANIA!
She came.
She observed.
She side-eyed.
And apparently, she negotiated.
END OF PLAY
Where the absurdity of this moment gets the satire it deserves, and all the gold in the world still can’t buy good taste.
Read The Gilded Toilet at Still Human → https://substack.com/@jhirwin